Tag Archives: personal

Change

Hola Hart Beat. Can you believe it’s already the end of August? On Friday it will be September and even though Summer doesn’t officially end for a few more weeks I can feel it coming. Living in the Berkshires has given me such a connection to nature, something I never truly felt in New York, and every day the air, the trees, the wind, the bugs remind me that times are changing.

Change—something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. The other week in my favorite yoga class, my teacher talked about the idea that our bodies are biologically trained to accept change but that our social construct doesn’t welcome the idea. We don’t freak out when night comes because we know morning is coming right after but it’s our cultural and construction associated with change that gives us anxiety and regrets when we encounter change.

I’ve thought about that idea since she said it to our sangha. For me, this summer has been the cherry on top of this entire last year of freedom and exploration. I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled and it makes me anxious, this change in season. Can this happiness and life continue as the leaves fall, the temperature cools, and the fresh tomatoes in my backyard garden stop producing?

The book I’m writing, the god-damned book, is all about change. It’s about returning to your personhood you might have lost along the way of life. But I’ve been thinking lately, do you really return? Or do you incorporate your old self into your new self while not berating your past person for the time you might have lost or the self you might have pushed away?

People move, relationships progress, friendships ebb and flow, summer ends, fall begins, jobs grow stale, ideas bloom, and so much more—sometimes even all at once. I’ve been trying to embrace the changes and remind myself that it is all okay, that it’s all good even. It’s nature and natural for these things to happen. If we didn’t change what would we even be? Not alive surely and not learning or growing. How boring would that be?

This morning I read through the poem of the day emails I get from The Paris Review and was struck by this one here. It reminds me so much of what I’ve been wrestling with.

Cold
by Gerard Malanga

The young girl is unable to change 
The form of her habitual thinking,
The posture with which she corresponds to 
A feeling of sadness, the flow of her 
Thoughts in which she is looking,
The facial expression, and so on; 
She forgets herself to remember her pain 
In the neck, to remember her problems. 
I’ve said this before, remembering myself in the same 
Situation until she came 
Into my life for the first time 
Remembering herself walking out in the open field 
Of vision with eyes full of tears and smoke 
Slowly coming out of her mouth.

I hope this gives you some comfort, even in just knowing that there’s someone out there who is also thinking about all of this.

Hair, More Important Things & the Flu

Hannah Hart Beat

Morning Hart Beat. It’s been the worst week. It’s been the worst week for me personally, for our country, and for humanity in general. I think. I don’t really know anymore. This blog has always been a place for me to come and distract myself from the world and I’m starting to have a hard time with that. While I want to write about these beautiful hair barrettes that I can’t stop pinning (the one above is from & Other Stories, although, it looks like they might not sell it still) I’m both still sick as a dog from the flu and feeling angry, emotional, and helpless at what’s happening in our country right now.

This morning we all woke up to the news that President  F***ing Trump has signed a temporary ban on refugees entering the United States. This, after a week where he reinstated an international “gag rule”, among other things. What is the international “gag rule”? This insane policy denies the US government from giving any foreign aid to an international organization that provides or even discuss safe abortions. This money is pulled even if funds from our government doesn’t pay directly to perform abortions.

I’ve been in bed since Tuesday, Hart Beat. That’s five full days to feverishly refresh over and over again my Twitter feed. I’m done. So, what am I going to do today? I’m going to donate to the International Rescue Committee, finish my tea, take my ass to bed for a nap to kill this flu once and for all, wake up, go for a walk in my neighborhood to support my local businesses and then think about what good I’m going to do tomorrow. What about you, Hart Beat?

New Year Resolutions

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Hi Hart Beat. We did it. We made it to 2016 happy, healthy, and slightly better rested than last year. Today is my first day back at the office but I thought it might be a good idea to talk about this hole “New Years Resolutions” thing too.

So, do you have any, Hart Beat? Last year mine was so theoretical, “do something intentional everyday” that this year I thought to come up with a few concrete ideas. Another thing I thought about while compiling my few resolutions was to keep the list positive. Instead of thinking of things that I did poorly in good old ’15, I thought about some things that I love and that I didn’t get to do enough of during the year. That way maybe they will be incorporated into my life a little more this year.. So without further ado, my 2016 New Years Resolutions.

  1. Dance more. I realized that I need this resolution when one day, I was talking to a friend and I said “My number one favorite thing to do is dance” and Pedro retorted with “No, your number one favorite thing to do is sleep.”… Whoops Hart Beat, he might be right. I’m not sure what happened in 2015 and even though I was going to the gym and biking a lot more, I kind of forgot to do my “number one favorite thing” and that one is totally on me. Since I don’t know the best places to go dancing in the city AND I am turning into an old lady who likes to go to bed early on Friday nights, I decided to formalize this one a little more by signing up for a dance class at Mark Morris… starting this Wednesday… in modern dance… WISH ME ALL THE LUCK.
  2. Speak more Spanish. Since leaving Bates in 2012, the frequency of my Spanish speaking has declined slash disappeared. I’m not proud of this fact and think this year might be my last chance to not lose everything I learned back in the day. Any suggestions from you, Hart Beat? Have any spanish friends in NYC who want to language exchange?
  3. Read more. I don’t know about you, Hart Beat but PODCASTS RULED MY WORD IN 2015. While this is a great thing and I have learned so many things, all of the free time that I used to use to read (before bed, commuting on the train, hanging out on Saturday mornings) I know spend binging on as many podcasts as I possible can. I feel like even when I remove one from my feed, a new one sneaks it’s way in. So I’ve struck a deal with myself. In the morning commute I listen to the radio or the day’s new podcast, and in the commute home I take the local train and just sit and read. I’ll let you know how that goes today while I finish this cray book.

So there they are, Hart Beat. Pretty good right? I would honestly love to hear yours. Comment or tweet at a girl, okay?

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Madonna in “Hung Up” at the bottom (duh) and top photo from this tumblr.